My girlfriend and I just celebrated our first anniversary. But, of the one year of our relationship, we probably spent fourty percent in physical distance — with me studying in the UK, her working in Austria. Great wishes notwithstanding, it is — at times — really difficult.
“I love you.” A phrase so affectionately shared, borne out of the essence of my entire being, threatens to fade to an expression of memory, a remembering of feelings, a longing for that spiritual sensation that is love. If you cannot constantly reaffirm and strengthen your love for someone, be it just through a hug or those beautiful moments of falling asleep and waking up together, how can you be sure you’re not losing it? How can you hold fast to a relationship that seems with every day to glide away from you, threatening to cross that threshold where it gets out of reach? And all because of physical distance.
A loving relationship consists of three elements, all of which are vital to it: mind, soul, and body. Only through a constant connection of the three can a happy relationship thrive and evolve. Instant messengers like ICQ can offer the first and, at times, nurish the second. But the third cannot be bridged through technology. And, as the vast majority of the personal communication process between two people occurs non-verbally, even that text-based connection can at times hurt instead of help — because of misunderstandings and misinterpretations.
When my girlfriend comes home after a hard day’s work, tired, sometimes disillusioned, sometimes angry, and I am there physically, I can see it in her eyes, feel it without touching her. And I can react to it, take her in my arms, comfort and console her. Make her feel loved and at home. But that ethereal connection cannot transcend digital networks. And so it takes the spelling out of inner feelings, the deliberate revelation of one’s state of mind and soul, to clarify things. And even that can go wrong.
If both had a bad day, who’s the first to get comforted? Or if one was happily waiting for the other, how can he or she cope with having his or her up-beat feelings crushed by the sudden force of accusations — accusations not borne out of momentary contempt but out of that longing for the other, out of that black void that is left and growing when the other is gone? Without physical presence, mutual, simultaneous giving and receiving of comfort is impossible. Consequently, understanding of the other’s feelings shifts from intuition to cognitive analysis. One has to mentally understand to be able to give emotional comfort. And that can be very difficult.
That is where a rift can open up. Two lovers, thus unable to really communicate on an emotional level because of physical distance, hurt each other. They both feel misunderstood, unfairly treated, even neglected. What then?
You stop the conversation. You cut the ill communication and take time to reset your mind and soul. You “sleep over it”, as they say. And then, gradually, hopefully, you start seeing the other’s feelings, start understanding where the other came from, what the other’s state of being was. And you rise above silly attitudes of “I was right and you were wrong” and choose to be the first to apologize. Not for your feelings, but for the ill-conceived communication. Not necessarily for what you said, but for how you said it. And you come together again. You start the process anew. And you cherish all the more those moments when you can be together physically. When mutual understanding is possible through a look in each other’s eyes… and a hug.
For that is one of the magics of love: understanding without the need for words.
